Earthly possesions

Today I lost $60 while at the grocery store.   When I arrived home and realized the money was not in my coat pocket where I had safely tucked it after leaving the ATM,  I initially panicked.   This was to be my massage money for later in the week.   Frantically I dialed the store number and explained my situation to the store customer service person.   She placed me on hold and went to search, to no avail and told me she was sorry.  My response was unlike what it would have been a year or so ago; "well I hope the person who found 3 crisp $20 bills needed the money".   She replied , "yes, I do too".

What a difference in the way I feel about the whole experience and I marvel at the change that has come over my life.   There is much to be gained for me through this experience and I trust I will learn more in the days to come.

Thank you God for the person who's life was perhaps blessed today because of my careless act.

Fall musings

This time of the year always brings mixed emotions to my being.   I love the warm, blue sky sunny days with cool evenings and chilly nights.  However I know that the cold is coming and with it the bare trees, frozen ground and short days.  This year however there is another reason to be sad at the end of summer and flowers, green grass, cool hikes , and garden work;  my dearest Mother is passed on from this earth and as the winter approaches so does a sadness in knowing she will not be around to share the holidays with us.  
There is a peace in knowing she is resting in a finer place and free from all that held her back the last few months of her life.   So there is a bittersweetness in my heart and yet I feel blessed to be a part of her and to carry on her love of nature and all she cared for so dear and near.
Our family is blessed and in spite of all our scars and wounds we are strong and will rise to be united together as we always have in the past.
So come sweet fall and as you pass into the cold and darkness of winter, bring peace to me in knowing you are present in all that is lovely and sad.
E.

Musings after a long cold winter

It's been such a long, cold winter and I feel so housebound.  I long for a walk in the outdoors, just me and my thoughts.    Tis true that every morning I arise before daybreak and with my fresh cup of coffee watch through the living room window as the sky lightens and a new day begins.  Some mornings I have walked in the early morning darkness with my "walker friends" but then there is the ice and rain that keeps me in.    My spirit is alive and yearning for retreat to a quiet place, but out of doors.   So I wait for longer  warmer days to refresh my spirit and bring me back to where I want to be.   This has been a winter of change and sadness with the loss of my Mother and I miss her so.   I look at photos  of her and of times gone by and I am reminded of all the lovely memories of a life well spent.   There is a longing that my children would have known her better and developed more of an appreciation for all she had to offer;  but this is life and it did not happen that way.  So I weep and feel  Your loving arms around me telling me she knows all now and all is well.

My heart is full of gratitude for all that I have known
As a child I knew I was loved
As a teen I struggled with that love
As a young adult I found love from another
As a Mother, I felt a whole new way to love as I cared for each one of my babies
As a parent I knew Your love guiding me as I nurtured my children and sent them off into the world
As a Grandmother I am learning a whole new love and it is good
I am know resting in Your love as I journey through this phase of life and on to the next
Life, a gift and a blessing
Thank you Father for it all

Heaven

My Mother has died and gone to heaven and I am left here all alone.  Oh how I miss her, even though the past months have been so difficult  as we try to have a conversation and her lips cannot produce the words her mind is telling her to say.
As I sat by her bedside the last 5 days of her life and kissed her hands, arms and lips I felt such sadness that this is the way life had to end for this lovely, warm, dearest person to me.  She who gave me life and taught me all there is to know to get through life.
So now where do I go from here?  I need to learn how to live without a earthly Mother and continue to be the best Mother I know how to my children.
Where is Heaven?  Where has my Mother gone?  I know she is at rest and her body is no longer weak and her lips are no longer speechless.
I will always love you Mother, you are now my angel up above.

Through the waters

You oh Lord have said, when I pass through the waters You are there .... but sometimes they are so deep and I am so afraid and feel like I will get swept away in the current.   But You are there.  Trust me daughter, I know the depth to which you go and I will not let you drown.  I am there with you and will bring you through.   Trust in me.

summer laundry

I love doing laundry, especially on a warm, breezy summer day when everything dries in about one hour after hanging it on the line.  The smell of clean wet sheets from the washer to the line and then to watch as they flap in the breeze and know how heavenly they will be as I crawl into bed in the evening.  This has been a summer of cleansing the house and my self.  Shaking the dust out of the curtains and vacumning the carpert and furniture.   There is much to be done before school and work start again and I feel the urgency to pick up the pace and move on.  My inner self is digging out the deep places of my soul where there is much to wash, air and dry as I stretch my faith and move on.  On to new places to explore and new ideas to test and most of all new trails to climb as I grow in this season of my life.  And so, like my laundry I shake off the pain and weariness that has so encompassed me this past month and take up the clean laundry and fold it and place it in a clean, fresh room ready for the Guest to take residence in my life and restore my soul .

Quiet

Last Thursday was a difficult day and I hid out at a friend's house to wait until the storm passed at my house.  I will never know the pain and hoplessness that one feels with addiction but I can see the darkness and sadness in my loved one's eyes.  After dinner I returned home with a sadness and sense of foreboding and almost turned around to run the other way but the quiet and relief of not having to worry any more made me stay.  As I wept on my husband' s back and strong shoulders I felt hope and promise for the future and for our eldest.  Now I pray and each day thank God for life and breath and a new start for this journey we call life.