Thoughts in the early morning hours

After trying to return to sleep for over a hour I decide to get up and check my work email.  Of course the server is down so I move on to my RR reading for the day.   Like in the past, the words are what I need to hear:  "God has given us a way to not let the disappointments, hurts, betrayals, rejections of life destroy us.   It is the art of letting go."   Letting go of what is so dear to me as in my sons and there many addictions, hurts, lies, etc, etc,....
I am so weary of listening to those who tell me  what I should do and what my heart and head tell me I  need to do for my own "moving on".
There are many good well-meaning people who I know feel strongly about what they say but I have a voice also and I have the Spirit of God directing me in this one life I am given to live.
Yesterday my dearest husband and I were laughing about something very silly but it was soooooo good to laugh and be silly in spite of the pain in our lives right now.   Thanks Lord for that moment and please give me more.
So now I arise to a new day and all that is in store for me.  May I trust your prompting a in my soul today as I wait for the next encounter with Life.
El

Homeless

A few days ago while driving to work on my usual route I had a God moment that has stayed with me for longer then usual.   I was crossing the bridge over the Lehigh River when I noticed two men, each pulling a suitcase , carrying a large trash bag over their shoulder, and if that wasn't enough they were walking into the traffic due to the fact that the side walk was snow covered.  There was a chill in the air, the temperature was well below freezing, and the walk was treacherous to say the least.  Traffic was moving at a fast pace and they were a "inconvenience " to many as they rushed to get to work.
My eyes immediately filled with tears as I thought back to other Christmas seasons when my eldest was out in the cold, alone and living from place to place.   I cried to my Father in heaven for these men, obviously homeless and ask for protection and care through some divine intervention.
My heart has a special place for the lonely, hurt and unloved and I know that my God is watching over all His children even when they don't know.
So to these and many more who are out in the cold and looking for a better way I say .... You are not alone....

Earthly possesions

Today I lost $60 while at the grocery store.   When I arrived home and realized the money was not in my coat pocket where I had safely tucked it after leaving the ATM,  I initially panicked.   This was to be my massage money for later in the week.   Frantically I dialed the store number and explained my situation to the store customer service person.   She placed me on hold and went to search, to no avail and told me she was sorry.  My response was unlike what it would have been a year or so ago; "well I hope the person who found 3 crisp $20 bills needed the money".   She replied , "yes, I do too".

What a difference in the way I feel about the whole experience and I marvel at the change that has come over my life.   There is much to be gained for me through this experience and I trust I will learn more in the days to come.

Thank you God for the person who's life was perhaps blessed today because of my careless act.

Fall musings

This time of the year always brings mixed emotions to my being.   I love the warm, blue sky sunny days with cool evenings and chilly nights.  However I know that the cold is coming and with it the bare trees, frozen ground and short days.  This year however there is another reason to be sad at the end of summer and flowers, green grass, cool hikes , and garden work;  my dearest Mother is passed on from this earth and as the winter approaches so does a sadness in knowing she will not be around to share the holidays with us.  
There is a peace in knowing she is resting in a finer place and free from all that held her back the last few months of her life.   So there is a bittersweetness in my heart and yet I feel blessed to be a part of her and to carry on her love of nature and all she cared for so dear and near.
Our family is blessed and in spite of all our scars and wounds we are strong and will rise to be united together as we always have in the past.
So come sweet fall and as you pass into the cold and darkness of winter, bring peace to me in knowing you are present in all that is lovely and sad.
E.

Musings after a long cold winter

It's been such a long, cold winter and I feel so housebound.  I long for a walk in the outdoors, just me and my thoughts.    Tis true that every morning I arise before daybreak and with my fresh cup of coffee watch through the living room window as the sky lightens and a new day begins.  Some mornings I have walked in the early morning darkness with my "walker friends" but then there is the ice and rain that keeps me in.    My spirit is alive and yearning for retreat to a quiet place, but out of doors.   So I wait for longer  warmer days to refresh my spirit and bring me back to where I want to be.   This has been a winter of change and sadness with the loss of my Mother and I miss her so.   I look at photos  of her and of times gone by and I am reminded of all the lovely memories of a life well spent.   There is a longing that my children would have known her better and developed more of an appreciation for all she had to offer;  but this is life and it did not happen that way.  So I weep and feel  Your loving arms around me telling me she knows all now and all is well.

My heart is full of gratitude for all that I have known
As a child I knew I was loved
As a teen I struggled with that love
As a young adult I found love from another
As a Mother, I felt a whole new way to love as I cared for each one of my babies
As a parent I knew Your love guiding me as I nurtured my children and sent them off into the world
As a Grandmother I am learning a whole new love and it is good
I am know resting in Your love as I journey through this phase of life and on to the next
Life, a gift and a blessing
Thank you Father for it all

Heaven

My Mother has died and gone to heaven and I am left here all alone.  Oh how I miss her, even though the past months have been so difficult  as we try to have a conversation and her lips cannot produce the words her mind is telling her to say.
As I sat by her bedside the last 5 days of her life and kissed her hands, arms and lips I felt such sadness that this is the way life had to end for this lovely, warm, dearest person to me.  She who gave me life and taught me all there is to know to get through life.
So now where do I go from here?  I need to learn how to live without a earthly Mother and continue to be the best Mother I know how to my children.
Where is Heaven?  Where has my Mother gone?  I know she is at rest and her body is no longer weak and her lips are no longer speechless.
I will always love you Mother, you are now my angel up above.

Through the waters

You oh Lord have said, when I pass through the waters You are there .... but sometimes they are so deep and I am so afraid and feel like I will get swept away in the current.   But You are there.  Trust me daughter, I know the depth to which you go and I will not let you drown.  I am there with you and will bring you through.   Trust in me.

summer laundry

I love doing laundry, especially on a warm, breezy summer day when everything dries in about one hour after hanging it on the line.  The smell of clean wet sheets from the washer to the line and then to watch as they flap in the breeze and know how heavenly they will be as I crawl into bed in the evening.  This has been a summer of cleansing the house and my self.  Shaking the dust out of the curtains and vacumning the carpert and furniture.   There is much to be done before school and work start again and I feel the urgency to pick up the pace and move on.  My inner self is digging out the deep places of my soul where there is much to wash, air and dry as I stretch my faith and move on.  On to new places to explore and new ideas to test and most of all new trails to climb as I grow in this season of my life.  And so, like my laundry I shake off the pain and weariness that has so encompassed me this past month and take up the clean laundry and fold it and place it in a clean, fresh room ready for the Guest to take residence in my life and restore my soul .

Quiet

Last Thursday was a difficult day and I hid out at a friend's house to wait until the storm passed at my house.  I will never know the pain and hoplessness that one feels with addiction but I can see the darkness and sadness in my loved one's eyes.  After dinner I returned home with a sadness and sense of foreboding and almost turned around to run the other way but the quiet and relief of not having to worry any more made me stay.  As I wept on my husband' s back and strong shoulders I felt hope and promise for the future and for our eldest.  Now I pray and each day thank God for life and breath and a new start for this journey we call life.

Summer morning

Today is the first day of summer and the morning rain and cool breeze is very welcome.  I sit in my cozy chair on the sunporch and read and journal, as is my summer morning routine.  I'm reading a book about aging, I know its alittle soon, but I find it very helpful in "checking in with myself", as I journey through this next phase of life.  Anyway, the line today that jumped out at me was "it is only in the present that we learn to live".  So each days experiences are a lesson for life.  Learn from ALL of it. 

a difficult day

I watch as he walks with his son, and I see the joy in his eyes and the way he is so proud.  But underneath it all I know there is sadness and I feel his pain.  I try so hard to put on a good face so my grandson and his Daddy will think all is well.  It is so hard and at times I just want to give up, but I am a strong woman and this is my flesh and this is my calling to be there.  Today is Fathers Day and I try to make it special.  After his child leaves to go back to his Mother, we sit and talk and he trys to tell me how he feels and that he is getting better at all this.  I want to believe.  God hear my cry as I ask for wholeness and newness of life for this my eldest child.